A Bunch of Complaining + Presents

It's looking like Friday nights are becoming my regular time to post. I remember when Friday nights were my regular time to party. Good lord, what a depressing thought.

I was curious to see what my numbers were today compared with last week because I've been feeling very run down. Not necessarily run down as in tired or sleepy all the time, just kind of blah. Not much energy or enthusiasm for anything. I've also been very emotional, crying at the drop of a hat, which I assume is due to my general run-down-ed-ness? If you've been on chemo before, let me know if you had that reaction.

So just so we can compare, here were my numbers from last week:

WBC: 3.5 (low but still OK)

NE #: 2.3 (I'm not sure what this is, but Sue said 1.5 or more is good)

RBC: 3.98

HGB: 12.9 (less than 10 is bad)

And here is this week:

WBC: 2.7

NE #: 0.5

RBC: 4.19

HGB: 13.4

No wonder I feel like shit. And I found out what the "NE" is: neutrophils, evidently a special type of white blood cell that make up "an essential part of the innate immune system" that I have almost none of at the moment. And some asshole at the oncologist's office was coughing in front of me in the waiting room just outside where they draw blood. A very tiny waiting room. And he was a visitor, not a patient. What a fucktard. (This is the point in the blog where I'm likely to lose those who are offended by the F word -- sorry, but I said from the beginning that I will write how I feel, and that is how I feel about that man.) Anyway, the good nurse Sue said that I am about where they expect me to be and not yet in need of antibiotics or other boosters.

Sue and I spent some time talking about my latest side effect: mouth sores. I don't know exactly when these started but I think it's been at least a week. I have one on my tongue, right at the tip, and one way back on the roof of my mouth. They were just slightly annoying at first but have gotten progressively worse over the past few days to the point that I called Sue on Wednesday and asked her what we could do. She called in a prescription for a liquid that I can swish in my mouth; it's composed of equal parts of lidocaine, antacid, and Benadryl. It helps, but only for a short time while my mouth stays numb. I'm finding it harder and harder to eat and swallow -- the sore on my tongue makes it painful for me to move the food around in my mouth as I chew, and the one on the roof of my mouth has inflamed that whole area, making swallowing painful. I've been eating soft foods for two days now, and that helps, too. Sue gave me some other suggestions today, all OTC and/or homeopathic remedies. She said if I haven't seen any improvement by Monday to call her and she will ask Dr. Krekow if there's anything else we can try.

I also asked her about the new antinausea med I will be on next week; it's called Emend. There's a very informative video at that link that explains what it is and how it works, but if you don't want to watch it, here's what they say about how it works:

How is EMEND different? Most drugs designed to prevent chemotherapy-induced nausea and vomiting (CINV) block the nausea signals from your stomach. But chemotherapy can affect both the stomach and the brain. So even when the stomach's response to chemotherapy is blocked by medication, the brain's nausea signals can still make a patient feel sick or vomit.That's where EMEND can help.EMEND blocks the vomiting signals from the brain, rather than the signals from the stomach. So when EMEND is used with other drugs that block the stomach's nausea and vomiting signals, you can get more complete protection against nausea and vomiting.

I will start on this drug as soon as my butt hits the recliner in the chemo room next Friday; because it takes about an hour for them to administer the premeds and an hour before chemo is what Emend needs to do its thing, it should work out. I will stay on Emend all weekend, with it working in conjunction with the long-acting antinausea meds I get via my port, and then I will switch to Zofran or Phenergan as needed. Sue has also gotten approval for me to get that topical cream (Haldol/Benadryl/Ativan mix) that I mentioned last week. So I'm really hoping that with all this, I won't have a weekend full of vomiting like I did last time.

I still have my hair, but not for long. It's really starting to come out. I find myself dreading the shaving bit, but it's getting depressing to touch my hair and see/feel it come out. For example, today I grabbed a lock of hair that was hanging in my face and bugging me, just meaning to push it back, and it all came out. And I didn't really pull it at all. I think I just need to bite the bullet and go ahead and shave it tomorrow. It will be hard at first, but not so upsetting in the long run, I think. Maybe.

I got another fill in my tissue expander today. I asked the nurse how many more I would need, and she said that would depend on me and how big I want to be. I asked her if Dr. Heistein was in (the nurses always do the fills), and she said no, so I made an appointment for next week when he will be in so I can ask his opinion. I really hope next week will be the last one. Right now I have the odd and not very pleasant sensation of having a compression plate on the left side of my chest, both front and back, as though someone's put squares of plywood there and is clamping them together. I suppose it's just because the muscles are so damned tight from being so stretched.

OK, I feel as though I've done enough complaining. I will end on a pleasant note. Yesterday was my day to get presents! Who knew? And what a surprise :). I had a call from my colleague at the library, Lea, who works in Special Collections and who is also a breast cancer survivor; she and a friend of hers had made a quilt for me. So I went up to get it and met her friend Elizabeth -- what a lovely lady! She's 80 years old, and I guess making quilts for cancer patients is something she enjoys because she and Lea also gave me a book: The Quiltmaker's Gift. It's a children's book about how much better it is to give than receive, and they inscribed it "Wrap yourself in friendship with this quilt. The Philosophical Paleontological Quilting Society. Elizabeth and Lea" (it seems they enjoy discussing those subjects while quilting; maybe I will get smarter just through using it??) I was incredibly touched. And the quilt is very beautiful; I will post a picture of it here soon. So if that weren't enough, I got home and saw two large shipping boxes in the living room. I asked Kyle what they were and he said he didn't know; they were for me. I opened them up and found a gorgeous, very large pink scarf with "LOVE" sort of embossed all over it and a beautiful pair of pink pajamas. The sweetest part was the note: "Jody--Hugs, Prayers, and Strength from Michigan! Jamie, Linda, Ann, Kathy, Deb Brasile, Mary Peteui, Pam P, Jackie, Lisa S, Mary B, Carol V, Pam M, Julie S. Love from all of us!" These are my sweet coworkers and friends from Williams-Sonoma where I worked for seven years. And now I'm crying. Again. I will send thank-you notes soon, but in the meantime, THANK YOU ALL for the generous, gorgeous, thoughtful gifts but mostly thank you for the love that is expressed in them. Peace, Jody.