It's 4 a.m. Why am I not sleeping?

The title says it all, but I will expand a bit.

It's been so long since I've written here -- my apologies. I just got a bit tired of it, and there didn't seem to be much to say. And I did state from the beginning that I would write when I want, what I want. Now in the midst of my insomnia seems as good a time as any to dash off a post.

The Taxol treatment is going swimmingly. So far, most of my big right toe is numb as is part of that foot close to that toe. I have experienced no other numbness in my extremities, which I am very happy about and grateful for. [An aside: yes, it is perfectly grammatical and acceptable to end a sentence with a preposition; please don't think I don't know what I'm doing :). ] My hair is growing back, as you can see here. So far it is dark and straight. I'm not sure whether it's darker than it was before since I had lightened it for so many years, I really don't know what my natural color was. It's hard to tell just from roots. Other side effects are really very mild and easy to deal with. One is this unfortunate insomnia one day a week: Friday nights going into Saturday mornings, which is the time now. Evidently Taxol has a high incidence of allergic reactions, so they give me both oral and IV steroids as a prophylactic. The insomnia is thus a side effect of the steroids meant to prevent allergic reactions. As has been the case from the beginning of my treatment, I have side effects from the chemo, and side effects from the drugs to counteract those side effects. And yet more drugs to treat those secondary side effects. It's very difficult at times to keep it all straight. But anyway, my usual M.O. on Friday nights and Saturday mornings is to fall asleep around 4 or 5 a.m. and wake up by 9-ish. I then will commonly have a very full, energetic day, followed by sheer exhaustion and 9-10 hours of sleep Saturday and Sunday nights. So my whole weekend is not spoiled; I'm usually just more tired than normal on Sundays, which actually carries over into Mondays and Tuesdays. I have very little stomach upset or nausea, just some days/meals that I prefer to eat something light. I pretty much eat what I want: Indian food, Tex-Mex, Italian, lots of fruits and veggies and salads, etc.

One project that I was involved in last weekend was kind of interesting. The woman who took the pictures of Kyle, Lightning, and me contacted me a few weeks ago to ask whether I would be interested in working with her and a friend of hers on a breast cancer education project. She gave me some details, comparing it to "What to Expect When You're Expecting" but for women who have had a diagnosis of breast cancer: practical advice from women who have been there, things doctors and nurses forget or don't know about. I agreed to be a part of it, and last week went to have my picture made and be interviewed by Ann's friend, Angie. The theme is going to be "I Fight Like a Girl," and Ann Beck (the photographer) took pictures of all the participants with jeans, a white T-shirt, and pink boxing gloves. I think their plan is to start as a website and see if it grows into a book, although it's still very amorphous. I told them I would be happy to do their copyediting.

I don't remember and am too lazy to go back and look to see if I mentioned that Eric, Rafia, and I had a presentation accepted at the EDUCAUSE SW Regional Conference in Austin. This is an organization that is all about IT and technology in higher ed. So we went, and our presentation went well, I think (still waiting for feedback). Unlike 99.99% of presenters at any conference in the known world these days, we did not do our presentation in PowerPoint but chose to use a new product called Prezi. I had fun making it and learning the software; I highly recommend it. Anyway, the point of this paragraph that I am finally getting to is that while we were in Austin, I went by one of the tattoo places I had found online and talked with one of the artists whose work I had been impressed by on their website. I gave her an idea of what I want, and she said she'd totally be into doing the piece. I also asked her how much it would cost and was not surprised by her answer ($500-$600) but have thought about it since then and decided that we just can't afford that right now.

We must get our house sold in Michigan. If it doesn't sell soon, we are likely to lose what little we have left in our stock portfolio and have to do a short sale or default. So, we have lowered the price yet again, and it is now below what we owe. You can see the listing here if you like. If you know of anyone who is looking for a great house in a wonderful neighborhood in Rochester Hills, MI (or the northern Detroit suburbs in general), please send them the link to the listing!

I guess I should try to get to sleep now; I hope it will happen. Much love to you all. Peace, Jody.

Photos: New Year's Eve and WIGS!

These first four above are from Gretchen's New Year's Eve Party. Rafia (the only other person besides me & Kyle in the pics) adores dressing up and brought boas for everyone. As I said, I was kind of tired before we headed out to the party and didn't bother putting on make-up or a scarf, so you can get a sense of how I look when I'm basically sitting around my house. The next few pics are obviously of me with my Fancy Hair :).

Happy New Year! What will 2010 bring??

So we are out of the aughts, and into the teens. I do sincerely hope that this decade is better than the last. Looking back, there were some positives: I got married in 2000 to the love of my life; we had a couple of amazing trips (Caribbean Cruise, France, Africa); and I got my MLIS and my job. And while still trying to think positively, I can't help but think about the bad times, too: I lost two beloved pets, my cockatiel, Bisous, right after we got back from our honeymoon, and our sweet greyhound, Christmas, who dropped dead very suddenly in 2004 at the age of 8. I was pregnant once but miscarried at the beginning of my second trimester and then spent three years going through fertility treatment, up to and including IVF, all for nothing. Shortly thereafter, my mother died, August 22, 2004. Just when I thought I was getting over that, my sister collapsed and died with no warning, October 13, 2006. And of course, I was diagnosed with stage-III breast cancer in August 2009. So enough already! Let's get on with the good stuff :).

We had a very quiet but lovely Christmas. We ended up staying home and not going over to Monroe. We decided that trying to do both Monroe and Houston would be too much, and since we had just seen Paul at Thanksgiving, and I had last seen my Houston family in May 2008 (and Kyle hadn't seen them since October 2004), we would make a short trip to Houston. So we had a quiet Christmas Eve and Day, celebrating with our friend Rafia and as a last-minute addition, our friend Erin, who couldn't make it up to Oklahoma to be with her sister because of our weather. Yes, we had a White Christmas here in Texas -- a first for many natives. We spent a quiet weekend post-Christmas, then drove down to Houston on Tuesday for two nights with my cousin Shirley and her family (son Dean; his fiancee, Leslie; daughter Karen; her husband, Doug, and Shirley's sister-in-law, Carol). We had a scrumptious dinner at Shirley's house that first night, and another wonderful meal at Karen's the next evening. Shirley was kind enough to chauffeur us down to the Houston Museum of Natural Science, where we saw a gorgeous show, "Faberge: Imperial Jeweler to the Tsars." We also got to see some of the permanent collection, but sadly the butterfly garden was closed by the time we tried to go. Thanks again for a wonderful visit, Shirley, Carol, Dean, Leslie, Karen, & Doug!

We returned home on Thursday, New Year's Eve, and attended a pot-luck party that our friend Gretchen hosted that night. I was actually kind of tired and not really in the mood going over there, but ended up having a blast. We played Rock Band, which is always hilarious, and a trivia game that Gretchen got for Christmas. We ended up staying until around 2:00. Thanks, Gretchen!

The rest of my time off was spent being rather lazy, although I did make an exhausting (to me, anyway) shopping excursion the Sunday after Christmas. I wanted to use my Macy's gift cards that my in-laws had so generously given me for my birthday (thanks, Carol & Ger!) during the post-Christmas sales, so Rafia came along for moral support (thank goodness), and helped me choose a bunch of stuff, most of which I needed (jeans, kakhis, another hat), and some of which I wanted (a couple of beautiful pullovers that I got for under $10 each).

I returned to work on Jan. 4, so I've been back for two full weeks, but they have been rather quiet since classes don't start up until next Tuesday, Jan. 18. It's been nice to have some time to get caught up and geared up for the new semester. I already have lots of requests for instructions sessions from my regular faculty, and I just found out that a colleague from another program area in our library is leaving to take a position in South Carolina, so since he does a lot of first-year instruction, Gretchen (who is in that program area) asked me if I could help fill in for him, and I said that was fine. So it seems as though I will be busy this semester with a lot of instruction, a presentation at the end of the month to the UTA Black Leadership Conference (for students), another presentation in mid-February in Austin at the EDUCAUSE SW Regional Conference (I'm doing both of these with my office neighbors Eric and Rafia), and a paper the three of us are working on for publication.

My first go-round with the new chemo protocol, Taxol, was last Friday, Jan. 8. I am getting all the same premeds plus another one, a steroid called Dexamethasone that prevents allergic reactions (I guess Taxol has a high prevalence of allergic reactions, so they just give this routinely). Last week, my side effects were lack of appetite and sleep on the first day or two (the antinausea drugs slow down my digestive system and this leads to the lack of appetite, I believe, and the steroids are uppers). I also had, as usual, bad constipation from the antinausea drugs. But I did meet with my oncologist before that first administration, and she advised me to take a stool softener every day, like Miralax. So I started doing that regularly the next day, and once things got moving again around about Tuesday or Wednesday, I felt much better. (I know this is really gross to write about, but again, if someone else out there is going through the same thing, perhaps it will prove helpful to him or her.) The only other thing I was dealing with was fatigue; I had to go in late on Monday because I was so tired and brought my computer home that evening, with the thought that I would make up the time I missed that morning by working at home, but I was just too tired. At least I was able to put in about 6 hours that day, so all told, I missed about 10 hours that first week. Much, MUCH better than missing a whole week as I did with the last Big-Bad. And no nausea, no food-smell aversions, no horrible taste and smell in general. Again, I'm told the most common side effect than can become serious with Taxol is numbness in fingers and toes, which will probably come as the drug builds up in my system. I had the second administration of the drug yesterday, and so far, all my side effects are the same. I slept horribly last night; I turned off my light around 2:30 and think I finally got to sleep around 5:00, woke up at 9:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. Hopefully I will sleep better tonight.

The only other news I can think of is that I now have pink hair. And blue hair. I decided that I was getting tired of wearing scarves and hats; I wanted something more fun. So a friend had a blue -- and I mean NEON blue -- wig that she had gotten for Halloween, and she lent me that. I liked it so much that I bought a pink wig as well. I've gotten lots of stares, but also lots of compliments, so it's been kind of fun :). I will add another post with pictures of me in the wigs and other photos. For some reason, I can't figure out how to make a picture show up in a specific place in my text, such as HERE. They all just go at the top.

This afternoon, we are going to the Kimbell Art Museum in Fort Worth. I'm excited because I always love going to museums, and we haven't visited this one yet. It's supposed to have a fine collection, and the exhibit that's up now sounds really interesting. I think we are going to try to do the Fort Worth Botanic Gardens either Sunday or Monday as well (I have Monday off for MLK Day). We haven't done a lick of sightseeing since Kyle moved down last June, which is just plain silly and stupid because there are lots of wonderful things to do and see in the DFW area. So we decided to make this a sightseeing weekend :).

Must go and shower and eat some lunch to we can be ready to go by 2:00. Have a great weekend! Peace, Jody

Happy Holidays!

It has, obviously, been a while since I've posted here. My apologies again to those who aren't on Facebook and can't keep up with me that way. It's much easier to jot off a short status update there to let you know how I'm doing rather than sitting down to right a blog post, which usually requires at least a solid hour or two. But I've got some time now, so here goes.

My last chemo was on December 3. And I mean "last" in two senses: most recent and final, at least for the Big-Bad Trio (Cytoxan, Epirubicin, and 5-FU). Since I've started on this regimen, I've often thought the shortened name for the last drug is rather fitting, as these drugs Eff-U up in at least five different ways. Get it, get it?? Heh.

In the days leading up to Dec. 3, I was getting really upset. Like, crying a lot. Two nights in a row beforehand, I spent sobbing, and the day of, during my appointment with my oncologist's physician's assistant (PA), I started crying and couldn't stop. I cried during the administration of the drugs, and the sweet nurse was so concerned. I told her I was so unhappy and upset at having to go through this again, even though it was the last one. I took a picture of the Epirubicin before it was administered. It turns my stomach to even look at it; I guess I'm now conditioned like one of Pavlov's dogs, but there it is on the upper left. This drug is in the same family as a chemo drug that's been used for years on breast cancer patients: Adriamycin. They are commonly called "The Red Devil" among those who have come to know them intimately, as I have.

I don't really know why I was so upset with this round. I know part of it was dread. HUGE dread at feeling so sick again for a week or more. I think part of it was also estrogen starvation and resulting hormonal imbalances. My body is being forced into a premature menopause, and I'm not responding well, emotionally. My PA, Lisa, suggested that I try an antidepressant, so I'm now on that. In any case, once they got the drugs in me, I calmed down; nothing I could do then but ride it out.

And honestly, in many ways, this last round wasn't too terribly bad. I kept myself well dosed with Phenergan and Ativan (antinausea drugs that also have soporific and antianxiety properties), so I slept. A lot. Like 16-18 hours a day from Thursday (administration day) through Monday. I started to cut back on the drugs Monday and thought I had enough energy to work on Tuesday, so I went in but had to leave by 1:00 because I was so exhausted and really out of it cognitively. I stayed home Wednesday as well and finally by Thursday, a full week after administration, I felt strong enough to work a full day. So really, my worst side effects this time were the usual lack of appetite and everything tasting and smelling awful, along with extreme fatigue. Oh, and the usual constipation and resulting excruciating spells in the bathroom.

So I'm told that the worst is over, that what I'm now facing is much easier. And just to refresh your memory, that is another twelve weeks of chemotherapy but with only one drug: Taxol. Supposedly, this drug does not have near the nausea nor the fatigue associated with it. Most commonly, it causes numbness in one's extremities. I am hopeful that it will be easier, especially since I have to take this drug once per week rather than once every three weeks, as has been the case with the Big-Bad Trio. So I will be out every Friday for three months starting on January 8th -- and yes, that is another HUGE bonus I got from the Good Nurse Sue -- a whole month off! After the Taxol, I will have radiation every day for 6 weeks (with weekends off).

I have put off the tattoo since I have yet to find a local artist who specializes in traditional Asian blackwork, which is what I want. I will continue to look here in the DFW area and in Austin; hopefully I can find someone.

I had a really wonderful birthday last weekend. My in-laws sent me a beautiful necklace they got at the Detroit Institute of Arts, along with gift cards for Macy's, so I'm planning a big after-Christmas shopping spree when the deals are really good. We went out to dinner the evening of my birthday with a bunch of my friends from work and their spouses plus three of their kids. We had a great dinner with lots of fun conversation and then went back to our house for a beautiful and delicious cake that Kyle made. My single girlfriends with no kids stayed and chatted with us until close to midnight when we all realized it was a school night, so they headed on home.

I just realized last week that I have about 10 days off in a row during the holidays. Our official university holidays are Dec. 23-25 and Dec. 28-Jan. 1; these are not days I have to take as vacation, just holidays. The library will be open on several of these days, and folks have volunteered to be there as a skeleton crew. I did not volunteer because at the time (way back in August, I believe), I wasn't sure what my treatment schedule would be. So once I realized that I would have all this time off, I started thinking about what we could possibly do. It was too late to try to get to Michigan, and besides, we've spent most of the past 10 years of Christmases there. I really wanted to be here in Texas for our first Christmas in our new home. So I think what we may do (we're still trying to firm up plans) is drive over to Monroe on the 26th and spend a couple of days with my brother Paul and then head home for one night so we can drop our dog Lightning at the vet for boarding before driving down to Houston for a couple of days with my cousins there. If all goes according to plan, we will head back home on the 31st in time for a party that my friend Gretchen is having at her house that night.

I can't really think of much other news -- oh, except for the fact that my hair is just *barely* starting to grow back. It's really not even visible at this point, but I can feel peach fuzz over many parts of my scalp that were completely smooth. There are still a lot of smooth patches, though, as well. I'm hoping that it will continue to grow or at least stop falling out as I start the Taxol. My eyebrows and eyelashes are almost gone, and I have to say that I look pretty damn bad with no makeup and no hair, so if I can't even put mascara on, I'm going to be very unhappy. I was chatting about this with a woman at my oncologist's office (a breast cancer survivor who was in for a check-up, I think, since she had all her hair and brows and lashes), and she said that when her hair started to come back, her lashes never did really regrow as thick as they had been before. She heard about a product called Latisse that she recommended I get. It's a prescription drug that was originally being used with glaucoma patients, but the developers of the drug noticed that it had a wonderful side effect: noticeable thickening and lengthening of eyelashes. So now it is a prescription that I can probably get through my plastic surgeon, but I'm guessing I will have to pay out of pocket for it, and it's around $120. I will wait and see how my lashes come back in; if I feel I really need it, I guess that price isn't too terribly bad.

So that's it for now. I hope you have a wonderful holiday season, however you may celebrate it. One of my favorite days during this season is the winter solstice; only two more days, and the sun will start to return to us here in the northern hemisphere! We've had a few cold spells here in Texas, but it has mostly been a beautiful fall with days in the 60s and even some 70s. The sun still feels so close and warm here, even now, and I am so thankful for that. I'm also incredibly grateful to my friends, in-laws, cousins -- all who love me and who have shown such steadfast support for me. I, in turn, send my love to you and wish you joy, laughter, fun, and love during the holidays. Peace, Jody.

Tattoo You

The title for this post was taken from a Rolling Stones album that came out in 1981. I've never been much of a Stones fan, but since the album is from the year I graduated high school and since I'm going to talk about tattoos, I guess it's at least tangentially appropriate.

My last Big-Bad is coming up this week, December 3, to be exact. My birthday is 10 days later, December 13. I'm thinking I want to get a tattoo for my birthday. Specifically, I want to get a design that symbolizes survival since I will have survived the first stage of my breast cancer treatment. I would like, I think, to get something that I can add on to at each stage of treatment and survival that I reach: when I finish Taxol, when I finish radiation, when I finish breast reconstruction, when I reach 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, etc. (assuming I make it that long). I have already checked with the Good Nurse Sue, who told me that as long as my white counts are good when I get the tattoo, she has no problem with it. I've also already checked with my supervisor, Suzanne, who tells me that the library does not have a policy banning visible tattoos. I'd like to get it on the inside of my right forearm, I think, perhaps wrapping around my arm; I also want black work. When I first started to think about this idea, I did a simple Google image search on "survival symbols," and one of the first things that popped up was bamboo. This page was one of the first I looked at, and after many hours of looking at other pages, I still like many of the images here best. Never having gotten a tattoo, I have no idea whether a competent ink artist could adapt one or more of these images into something that would look good going up the inside of my forearm or wrapping around my arm. The reason this page came up in my search is because of these words on it: "Bamboo, because it is flexible and can withstand storms without breaking, is a symbol of survival in adversity." I like that.

I have also thought about doing some sort of saying in Elvish from J.R.R. Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings". I believe I mentioned this somewhere on Facebook, but I don't think I've talked about it here. I've read that people who personify their cancer and visualize something killing it often fare better than those who don't. So when I've tried to visualize my cancer, I have thought of the Nazgul from LotR, and I've thought about Arwen saving Frodo in the first movie, which I watched again just last night. When I'm in the throes of a Big-Bad, I feel just about as bad and helpless as Frodo does after he's stabbed by the Nazgul, and I probably look almost as bad. When Aragorn, Sam, Merry, Pippin, and Arwen are doing everything they can to save Frodo, it's like Kyle and my friends supporting me, as well as the medical team treating me. But Arwen riding off to Rivendell with Frodo and managing to outride and drown the Nazgul -- that scene is absolutely riveting to me (made me cry last night) and is what I imagine when I try to visualize beating this cancer. So that's why I've thought about either a saying in Elvish or an Elvish design from the book. Maybe I need to pull out my copy of the trilogy and see what it is that Arwen actually says in that scene to make the waters rise (if it's even in the book).

These are the two ideas I've had so far. If you have an idea that you think might appeal to me, I'd love to hear about it. My friend Eric suggested some sort of design from World of Warcraft, but I can't really think of anything from there that I'd want to live with and look at for the rest of my life.

So far, in trying to research artists in the DFW area, I have found the following (some are in Austin; if I chose to work with one of these, I'd have to wait until next February when I will be in Austin for a conference). If you know anything about these or other artists that I haven't found yet, I'd be grateful for any info you can provide. I obviously will be living with this ink the rest of my life and want to be absolutely sure that I am working with someone who is not only a great artist (i.e., does a LOT of custom black work) but whose shop is also known to be clean, clean, CLEAN. The problem with most of these is that they all seem to specialize in color.

Elm Street Tattoos (Dallas)

Perfection Tattoo, Chris Trevino (Austin)

True Blue Tattoo, esp. Rachel (Austin)

Rock of Ages, esp. Hector (Austin)

Diablo Rojo, esp. Raul (Austin)

Psycho Clown Tattoos (Fort Worth)

Randy Adams (Fort Worth)

Thanks in advance for any advice or ideas you may have.

As for the past week, I am SO VERY thankful that it has been blessedly almost side-effect free. Everything I discussed in my last post is either entirely resolved or almost gone. I had a horrible day on Wednesday with seasonal allergies, but that obviously has nothing to do with chemo. They seemed to improve on Thursday and now I've just got a few sniffles here and there. I have NO mouth sores, which is simply amazing. I don't know what's working right, but whatever it is, I hope it repeats itself next cycle.

We had a really wonderful Thanksgiving. My brother, Paul (who is technically my brother-in-law but is my brother in my heart), came over from his home in northeast Louisiana on Wednesday afternoon and spent Thursday with us. He had to leave early on Friday for a family reunion near Bryan, TX, but I was so happy to see him and get to spend some quality time with him! Of course, we all missed my sister Ann, who died in October 2006. We were also lucky enough to have my friend and colleague from work, Rafia, come over to join us for a completely nontraditional Thanksgiving meal of grilled New York strips, cheesy potato casserole, squash, green salad, asparagus with garlic/lemon sauce, and for dessert, homemade chocolate ice cream. Rafia brought her Wii, and we played lots of games after dinner, and I laughed until my stomach hurt. A good kind of hurt, though :).

I hope you are well, warm, safe, and happy. Peace, Jody.

Side Effects Circus!

My last update was almost a week ago, on a Sunday. That Monday, I was still feeling pretty bad, so I stayed home, but I did manage to work most of the day. Part of my job is to maintain and update all the webpage subject guides that I am responsible for, and there is always something that needs to be done to them, so I spent most of the day working on them. You can peruse them here if you are interested.

So I've heard some people describe this blog as "gutsy" and "honest." I guess that's a good thing? I'm going to warn you now that I'm going to honestly and openly describe some very icky stuff in this post having to do with side effects. I decided to talk about these issues (even though some are very private) not necessarily because I want everyone I know to know about them, but because maybe someone whom I don't know is reading this blog and is going through the same things I am and will not feel so alone. Or perhaps someone getting ready to start chemo will be more prepared for what might happen. If you don't want to know about these issues, you may want to skip the rest of this post.

I went back to work on Tuesday, still feeling very fatigued and just kind of not well. At least by this point, the extreme body aches/soreness had abated. At its worst, this side effect felt like someone had beaten me about the body with a baseball bat, more than just muscle soreness, sort of a very bruised feeling, mostly throughout my torso and up into my neck. When I went in for my weekly lab work this past Thursday (my counts were very good, btw), I asked the Good Nurse Sue about this problem since it was new for me. She said it is not an uncommon side effect of chemo; she also said it could have been that my white counts dipped really low very early and the Neulasta kicked in at that point (this drug has the common side effect of causing bone aches when it starts working because it stimulates one's bone marrow to produce white blood cells). Since the soreness was centered so heavily between my ribs and hips, I was concerned that I might be experiencing liver problems (obviously, one's liver is heavily stressed by chemo), and I asked Sue about that. She responded that they do not test for liver function during the normal weekly lab work (which is just a simple CBC), but they do perform a complete panel that looks at liver function with the lab work that is done just before one gets a chemo treatment. So if there were any problems with my liver, they would have shown up Thursday a week ago before I got my chemo. And they didn't. Whew.

At the point that I started to feel systemically human again, which was around Monday or Tuesday, I started to get other side effects that were local. Sadly, the bleeding and extreme pain during bowel movements came back. Also, the skin in my private parts (front to back) became very inflamed and painful and was sort of oozing/weeping a small amount of blood pretty much all the time. This started on Monday and was very bad for the next two days. It had started to get very slightly better by Thursday, but I made sure to tell Sue about it when I was in for my lab work. She immediately told me to drop drawers so she could have a look (an aside: you know you're not exaggerating your own systems when an experienced oncology nurse has a sharp intake of breath upon seeing a problem, which was the Good Nurse Sue's reaction). She said it looked like a fungal infection and told me she would give me a prescription for a cream that would help. She also prescribed a suppository containing steroids for the internal problem(s). The external cream gave me almost immediate relief; the redness is still there, but the bleeding has stopped, and it's not nearly as painful. The internal problem is a bit better, but not much. I'm hoping that it's just an issue with this type of medication taking longer to help. From what I've gathered on the Internet, this type of fungal infection is not uncommon in people with compromised immune systems:

The most common organism implicated in fungal infections is the ubiquitous Candida, which is found in the human digestive tract, mouth, and genital region (Eggiman P et al 2003). Under normal circumstances, levels of Candida are controlled by beneficial bacteria. However, if the bacteria-fungus balance is upset, by the use of antibiotics for example, or if the immune system is compromised, an overgrowth of Candida can occur, resulting in infection (Braunwald DE 2001).

The other problem I've been having is a very painful feeling that food is getting caught at a point in my esophagus that's in the middle of my chest area. It's especially bad when I eat anything dense, such as bread or red meat. This is actually a problem that I've had for years, but it's been really exacerbated since I've been on chemo. I told Sue about this issue as well, and she gave me a prescription for a heartburn/antacid medication. I've been taking it since Thursday, and it's really helped.

So those who talk about very unpleasant chemotherapy side effects from mouth to anus are not in the least exaggerating, I can now attest. I got some more information here:

Mucositis (also known as stomatitis) is the swelling, irritation, and ulceration of the cells that line the digestive tract. These cells reproduce rapidly and have a shorter life span than other cells in the body. Because chemotherapy agents do not differentiate between healthy cells and cancer cells, they can quickly destroy digestive tract cells, breaking down the protective lining and leaving them inflamed, irritated, and swollen. Mucositis can occur anywhere along the digestive tract from the mouth to the anus, and can be aggravated by nausea and vomiting.

I hope this information hasn't been too disturbing for you to read. It's difficult for many people to talk about and deal with honestly, so that's all I'm trying to do.

Other than dealing with all these side effects, it's been a pretty good week. I enjoyed being back at work and feeling productive. Sadly, one of my colleagues has been out sick all week and will be out next week as well (Get Well, Anne!), so I've been doing a lot of extra shifts on the reference desk, and enjoying them all. We are very, very busy right now; so many students have research papers due now before the big bang that is final exams. I haven't felt like being on Warcraft at all, which I am missing, but maybe this evening I will get a some time to play and actually feel well enough to be on (I find that when I'm even slightly nauseated, the game can make that feeling much worse; it must have to do with its immersiveness and the motion on the screen).

I hope you are well, loved, warm, and happy. Peace, Jody

Second to Last of the Big-Bad

Wow, have I been a slacker! It's been just over two weeks since I last posted here. I know that most of you keep up with me through my Facebook status updates, so you aren't too much in the dark. For those not on Facebook, SHAME :)!

I am so SO proud of my coworker and friend, Kathleen. She and her cousin Denise successfully walked the whole 60 miles for the Komen 3-Day last weekend. The bottom picture here is of the two of them (Kathleen is on the left). They said it went fairly well, and they weren't even really very sore. Kathleen got one little blister and that was pretty much it. She and all of the walkers in this event and others are true heroes! The other heroes are those of you who pledged money for Kathleen's efforts. I thank you one and all.

I continue to receive extraordinary amounts of care and kindness from friends and coworkers and family. Two of the librarians in my group, Helen and Carol, like to sew and told me that if I would go pick out some fabrics, they would make head scarves for me. Helen brought hers in last week, and I must say that she went way above and beyond (just volunteering to do this was way above, etc.). One of the pieces of fabric that I bought was cut too crookedly for her to work with, so she took it back to the store and got three more pieces. All of the scarves are beautiful, and it's so nice to have a bigger selection!

More random acts of kindness: The head of access services at my library, Sue Sappington, brought me a lovely package -- some foot cream and lip balm and snuggly footies, as well as lots of information from the ACS. And Kyle's Aunt Arlene sent me the newest John Irving book; it was so thoughtful of her to remember that he is one of my favorite authors.

My health and well-being have been up and down since I last posted, of course. I had the usual problems with mouth sores, except this time I had five big ones instead of just two. Just at the point that they were getting really bad, the Neulasta kicked in, and they went away almost overnight. The other problem I had was new and freaked me out quite a bit: lots of bleeding during bowel movements (well, it seemed like lots to me). Of course, the first time this happened was on a weekend, and I didn't really want to disturb the doctor on call, but I wasn't warned that this was a normal side effect, and when I looked it up on the Internet, every credible source I found advised calling the doctor immediately, so I did. The doc on call asked me some questions to rule out anything really serious and concluded that it was just the mucus membranes there were irritated, like the skin inside my mouth. He said to call and speak with my regular nurse the next day, which I did, and the Good Nurse Sue came to the same conclusion. When the Neulasta turned itself on a few days later, the bleeding stopped.

So I had about 4 days at the end of my last cycle during which I was feeling pretty damn good -- not too tired, no mouth sores, no nausea, etc. It was wonderful!

Last time I wrote, I said that my protocol would change as follows: see Dr. Krekow on Tuesday, have chemo admin on Thursday with no Emend, and then go back on Friday for the Neulasta injection and IV steroids, antinausea drugs, and Ativan. That is pretty much how things went this week with one exception: Dr. Krekow did keep me on the Emend. When I saw her on Tuesday, she explained to me that she has five (maybe six?) families of drugs that she can use to combat CINV (chemotherapy-induced nausea and vomiting). I will try to list a representative example of them all: Ativan (anti-anxiety that also controls nausea), Phenergan (antinausea that blocks signals from the stomach to the brain), Emend (antinausea that blocks signals from the brain to the stomach), steroids (antinausea), and . . . hmm, I have forgotten the others. Chemo brain.

I had to teach a class Thursday morning, but the timing worked out perfectly; the class was from 9:30-10:50, and I had to be at the oncologist's office at 11:45 for chemo admin. Kyle came to work with me and sat in on my class. The only thing he said about it was how surprised he was that these students were taking a senior-level class, yet many of them had never used the library's databases to do research. It didn't surprise me; I see it all the time. Studies have shown that 80% of all college students (not just freshman) turn first to Google when given a research assignment. While Google does wonderful things, it most often cannot get you to the full text of scholarly articles. But I digress.

Kyle dropped me off for my treatment, and he went to get some lunch for himself. After he ate, he stopped at a great deli and got a sandwich and chips for me, which I ate while getting treatment. We headed home around 2:30 and both crashed from 3:00 to 7:00 or so. Kyle got up and made a pot of delicious chicken soup (yes, from scratch), and we had that for dinner. We went back the next day for the Neulasta and more IV meds. I told Kyle he didn't have to hang around while I was getting my treatment. It's so boring for him, and the chairs for visitors are uncomfortable. So he toodled around and happened to find the Harley dealership. When he came back, he had a present for me -- a really cool, black, knitted skull cap with little rhinestones all over it. I'd been wanting a hat like this, and he knew it. How thoughtful is he??!

Yesterday, I woke up with a bit of nausea, but I was able to eat a banana and some yogurt. A couple of hours later, I was feeling very nauseated but I thought if I ate, it might help. So I had a couple of scrambled eggs and some toast. Still felt bad. At that point, I was like, screw this, I'm going to take whatever I can that will help. So I took a Phenergan and an Ativan -- this on top of the Emend I took when I woke up. Within 15 minutes, I was about to pass out -- I couldn't even see straight. I had laundered the bed sheets that morning but hadn't yet made the bed, so I asked Kyle to do it. I don't think I could have gotten the sheets on that bed if I had tried. I collapsed in the bed as soon as it was made and slept from 2:30 until 7:30. I felt a lot better when I woke up and had a dinner of chicken soup, toast with hummus, and a salad. We watched Buffy all evening and I took another Phenergan/Ativan combo before going to bed; slept from around midnight until 10:30 this morning. When I woke up, I took another Phenergan. I have simply decided that I'd rather be drugged into a stupor than nauseated :).

My only real discomfort right now is that I am sore all over for some reason. Like I had a really intense workout at the gym in which I stressed every single muscle in my body. The only thing that I can figure is that this is a chemo side effect that I haven't yet, for whatever crazy reason, experienced, OR it's because I'm sleeping so much that I'm stiff. The problem with the latter theory is that the soreness doesn't go away after I've been up for several hours. But as I just told Kyle, the soreness doesn't bother me if I sit still, whereas the nausea is unrelenting when it's hanging around.

I have to say that I am really getting sick and tired of being sick and tired, so I am glad this is my third big-bad chemo treatment. Just one more like this, and then I start on the Taxol once a week for 12 weeks. Although it's still chemo, Taxol is supposed to be not nearly as difficult to deal with. The only common side effects are numbness in one's extremities, especially fingers and toes. I ran into a woman at the closing ceremonies for the Komen 3-Day who was just finishing her chemo, and she said that she lost a couple of toenails from the Taxol. Ugh. I hope I will be able to type; if I can't, I don't know how I will do my job. I guess I will deal with it if/when it happens. But I'm told that my hair should start growing again, and I won't have the nausea or mouth sores anymore.

That's about it for now. I hope you have a lovely Sunday and a wonderful week ahead. Peace, Jody.